COPPERTONE

asthma attaq's last show at ye olde tavern on main

2006-08-03T06:30:00.000-04:00

yes it was exactly like this but in 3D.

touch your own tra-la-la. bitch.

2006-08-02T12:20:00.000-04:00

i dont know which is more amazing...the shiny moist chin with immaculately trimmed mustache or half a dozen swedes attempting to do the worm.

ok for some reason blogger fixed my blog?

2006-07-27T07:35:00.000-04:00

or it just got fixed all by its lonesome? the blog fairies brung it back? hmm. them menernets is weird.

ok so i take this as a sign that i should start bloggin agin.

let the spectacle commence.

da food, da food, da food is on fi-yuh! (we dont need no water...yada yada yada yada.)

2005-09-20T10:06:00.006-04:00

im posting the whole thing because

1- you bitches are too lazy to click on the damn link and
2- it was only up on drudge report for about an hour before it mysteriously disappeared.

now how am i supposed to STOP BELIEVING IN THE iLLUMINATI when i see things like this happening? hmmm, i ask you?!

19 September 2005

EXCLUSIVE: UP IN FLAMES

HUNDREDS of tons of British food aid shipped to America for starving Hurricane Katrina survivors is to be burned.

US red tape is stopping it from reaching hungry evacuees.

Instead tons of the badly needed Nato ration packs, the same as those eaten by British troops in Iraq, has been condemned as unfit for human consumption.

NEEDY: Evacuees from New Orleans

And unless the bureaucratic mess is cleared up soon it could be sent for incineration.

One British aid worker last night called the move "sickening senselessness" and said furious colleagues were "spitting blood".

The food, which cost British taxpayers millions, is sitting idle in a huge warehouse after the Food and Drug Agency recalled it when it had already left to be distributed.

Scores of lorries headed back to a warehouse in Little Rock, Arkansas, to dump it at an FDA incineration plant.

The Ministry of Defence in London said last night that 400,000 operational ration packs had been shipped to the US.

But officials blamed the US Department of Agriculture, which impounded the shipment under regulations relating to the import and export of meat.

The aid worker, who would not be named, said: "This is the most appalling act of sickening senselessness while people starve.

"The FDA has recalled aid from Britain because it has been condemned as unfit for human consumption, despite the fact that these are Nato approved rations of exactly the same type fed to British soldiers in Iraq.

"Under Nato, American soldiers are also entitled to eat such rations, yet the starving of the American South will see them go up in smoke because of FDA red tape madness."

PAIN: Child survivor cries

The worker added: "There will be a cloud of smoke above Little Rock soon - of burned food, of anger and of shame that the world's richest nation couldn't organise a p**s up in a brewery and lets Americans starve while they arrogantly observe petty regulations.

"Everyone is revolted by the chaotic shambles the US is making of this crisis. Guys from Unicef are walking around spitting blood.

"This is utter madness. People have worked their socks off to get food into the region.

"It is perfectly good Nato approved food of the type British servicemen have. Yet the FDA are saying that because there is a meat content and it has come from Britain it must be destroyed.

"If they are trying to argue there is a BSE reason then that is ludicrously out of date. There is more BSE in the States than there ever was in Britain and UK meat has been safe for years."

The Ministry of Defence said: "We understand there was a glitch and these packs have been impounded by the US Department of Agriculture under regulations relating to the import and export of meat.

"The situation is changing all the time and at our last meeting on Friday we were told progress was being made in relation to the release of these packs. The Americans certainly haven't indicated to us that there are any more problems and they haven't asked us to take them back."

Food from Spain and Italy is also being held because it fails to meet US standards and has been judged unfit for human consumption.

And Israeli relief agencies are furious that thousands of gallons of pear juice are to be destroyed because it has been judged unfit.

The FDA said: "We did inspect some MREs (meals ready to eat) on September 13. They are the only MREs we looked at. There were 70 huge pallets of vegetarian MREs.

"They were from a foreign nation. We inspected them and then released them for distribution."

Voice of the Mirror: Page 6

Britain drifting to ghettos: Page 24

and now coppertone presents...

2005-09-16T13:14:00.000-04:00

THE MEN OF THE W STUD RANCH

midtown w hotel bar for the pre-party (did i just say "pre-party?" what am i a frat boy?) believe me, it was only the beginning, and it all ended with urge. a seedy bar in the east village known for its softcore gay porn and puerto rican dancers. and im the only token gay in THE MEN OF THE W STUD RANCH!

one of the girls we were with repeatedly got the mulatto donger *thunk-*thunk-on-the-head from a boricua dancing on the bar above her--and he didnt even have to kneel down to do it.

oh yeah and lacey (dj/sarasota transplant) was with us. drunken cab rides are my favorite. ahhhh new york.

EAT IT!

2005-09-15T20:30:00.000-04:00

as trics pickle in. uh...wait. pics. im saying pics trickle in from NYC. marlow & sons for late night dinner in williamsburg and then drunk at bar that i dont know the name of. there was a girl with a handbag that glowed on one side which we named her iPurse, and we knocked beers out of peoples hands just so we could buy them new ones, and there was an amazing photo booth that gave out 3 black and white photos per strip. i havent seen these mofos for 2 years...im starting to get...choked... up...

2 of the loves of my life:

this may be the hottest pic i took all 2 days.

the night before: beige @ b bar.
beige started in LA...and it sucks for all the reasons you would suppose. careerless fags with muscles and a dream. the promoters thought they were on to something and another sprouted up in NYC. personally, i thought NYC was too smart for the desperate west hollywood attitude, but no, those queens were all bitch and no brains. all except for a 3rd love of my life, little horse:

ok maybe this is the hottest pic i took all 2 days. damn! i just cant decide.

"When Tavern Goes Wild!" OR my 1st blog vid

2005-09-13T01:52:00.000-04:00

i guess he said the wrong thing...

full size [medicinefilms]

so crappy, but i took it with my phone. exciting, huh?! i guess this means coppertone could be a vlog.
[my baby's all grown up. *sniffle* --ed.]

it aint a party til...

2005-09-06T10:52:00.000-04:00

ok i DO NOT have a foot fetish. but there is something about me loving to take pics of peoples shoes. look at these 2 from violet's bday. the weird part is that everytime a glass of wine shattered ...this girl's foot (not violet.) or everytime i was wasted and ordered a blackened burger with blue cheese and fries cuz i was drunk-starving, and as im gathering everyone so we can go to the after party at my house and i can inhale this hot burger number and i drop it on the ground straight out of the styrofoam box... this hot mama's sexy foot made sure to find its way in the mess. hmm. mmm. mmmh!

["MY BURGER! WHO DID THIS?!" it was fine. i just grabbed it off the floor real quick. whadya expect? i was DRUNK and HUNGRY. the fries werent so lucky, though.--ed.]

so much vacation...so little time.

2005-09-05T02:27:00.000-04:00

"The criticism is all the sharper because the President did nothing to alter his holiday schedule for 48 hours. Vice-President Dick Cheney remains on holiday in Wyoming. Condoleezza Rice, the Secretary of State, returned to Washington after being seen shopping for $7,000 shoes in Manhattan as New Orleans went under."
the independant

im just saying that everyone should read this.

2005-09-05T01:53:00.000-04:00

shakespeares sister

its a start in trying to make sense of all this. im sure there are many more to follow.

and this one

2005-09-05T01:50:00.000-04:00

"Whores come faster with old men than FEMA is getting to NOLA."

now this is scathing: WE TOLD YOU SO.

this is how we do...

2005-09-01T02:41:00.000-04:00

the after party. violet's bday extravaganza ootinaboot town... then back to our place to trash the joint. mmm, mmm. organic pizza with fresh cold pressed organic olive oil imported from italy. *burp*

being wasted at home at 5am has never felt better!

new york city

2005-08-29T00:46:00.000-04:00

first wave of pics. there were phone, digicam, pointnclick and poloroid that were taken. i think these are phone.

street shots and just general goofy be.

as i phone clicked this scary looking tranny who had bright red painted on eyebrows she said, "you fuckin asshole! i'll kick your fuckin ass!" thus, the shaky blurry.

rape of the lock!

2005-08-27T02:23:00.000-04:00

yeaahhhh. kar i o keee at the tavern.
(yeah vice, youre so jealous i first got this "dont"... or is it a "do"? you guys always fucked me up with that.)

dont call it a comeback...

2005-08-27T01:57:00.000-04:00

is it the return of the blog? well maybe. see i got this serious jobby-job, and now im too grown up to even think of it. but hold it a minute...im thinkin of it right now! so yes lots has happened and now im the boss of a b'jillion people and its a lil overwhelming...but slowly and surely the blog creeps.

so lets update:

1 salary doubles
2 cell phone w/cam
3 trip to NYC
4 overhauled juke box @ tavern on main (sarasota)
5 more late night internet shopping
6 hookers
7 and maybe more blog

whew! im tired already. as a b-rated gay porn once said: "less teeth, more love." so get ready for an endless parade of new and exciting pics that catalog my very existence all the while your very existence as well.
nomber wan, prepare for a blog with less words than ever.

I CANT B LEEEVE IT!

2005-06-27T01:06:00.000-04:00

finally proof! after binging on bass and PBR at the tavern on tues, i caught this in the night sky-- thus proving that there really is a pegasus/unicorn hybrid and IM RICH! IM RICH!!!!!!! thank you, jesus, baby jesus, pegacorn jesus and satan...whichever one of you is responsible. [oh, i kid. im sure it was some of all of you. HA! HAH!--Ed.] clickpic, bitch.

ms johnson, where you want yer whirld?

2005-06-15T03:17:00.000-04:00

i dont know what the F is going on but i guess you people are serious about this globalization internets thing. culture, music, fashion all swirling around so fast...faster...fastest...hutCHOO! (to self: bless me. thank you.)
so could someone please help me with the new polycultural vernaculars? IOW i not words it if:

emoticollege
travoltathong
retrirony

?

2005-05-30T11:13:00.000-04:00

"thank you america for your delicious puddings!" --david cross

ex-NFL fakes death for CIA

2005-05-25T00:53:00.000-04:00

pat tillman throws away his million dollar NFL career in a grotesquely patriotic decision to join the elite army rangers, where he becomes an expert in unconditional warfare. he is abruptly flown to afghanistan to eradicate al qaeda, but is killed by friendly fire instead.

we aint buyin it.

now his parents are up in arms about how the army isnt forthright with the details of his death...hmmm...well thats bcuz HIS DEATH WAS FAKED.

and before you guys begin on the "you insensitive liberal POS" boo-hoo hate mail, believe me, his parents are in on it. thats why they have to keep making these "statements" against the military.

yep, i am sure that ole tillman-turned-american-hero is, right this very minute, one of the CIA's best black ops royalty. its perfect. the CIA kills 2 birds with one stone by manufacturing a mythological soldier motivated by altruistic, albeit nationalist ideals, while simultaneously getting an A-list secret agent. Mr T would be so proud. oh wait, thats A-team.

so coppertone predicts that in a thousand years when they reveal the CIA killed kennedy officially, congress will reveal in another thousand years that in one more thousand years after that they will say that they faked pats death for him. good luck, pat. and kill americanly.

cant you just say dildo, florida?

2005-05-24T17:51:00.000-04:00

we are all adults here. its not even a bad word on tv.

"dildo."

there, i feel better already.

taurus was a bull who was reeeeeel sleepy...

2005-05-23T03:26:00.000-04:00

so on this full moon in this month of taurus starts the beginning of International Predictions Week. we here at ye ole spy & beach shoppe are actually going to author some (brace selves) ...original definitive statements for once that we may, nay, we will actually take some marginal, orbital, janitorial responsibility for printing. weve gotten rather good leads from fellow reprobates and have decided to follow up--in a sort of pretend journalistic fashion of which we know nothing of--and draw some really really really extra sssuper düber logical conclusions.

long story short...diarrhea. just kidding...
long story short...metaphysical, paranormal gossip.

so stay tuned as coppertone will attempt to roll outta bed and actually post once everyday for the next 6 or so days. [trumpets and coronets]

uh, i guess i should have one for today, but... im not ready. ok ill just make one up. hmmm. how bout this one:

OH NO! barry manilow will die this week!
or atleast a week. [i know, sucks to be me or mandy--Ed.]

homeless person photo-of-the-week. or point n click from auto of-the-week.

2005-05-20T04:07:00.000-04:00

pleeeeese! homeless person! dont sleep there! it hot and bus! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! [hiccup.]

yada yada yadas

2005-05-16T02:47:00.000-04:00

sometimes when your friends get into a wreck and they walk away unscathed, you should walk up to them on the street corner of said wreck and scream some absurd rock n roll lyric...like..."hey scott,

I'LL TAKE YOU OUT, BOY!!"

[*radiator gurgles]

italians photoshop the dots

2005-05-04T00:00:00.000-04:00

*
we all knew combining these ingredients would not a cannoli make:

1 oldest pope in history
2 appointed in record time
3 who is german
4 and a hitler youth
5 in photoshop.

rigatoni! cannelloni! mussolini!
italian website shut down for offensive photo of pope [yahootini!]

and now...special guest... CAPN SAVE EM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-05-01T11:44:00.000-04:00

ere so often here at coppertone we get a crazy that has something to say. and sometimes they wear capes while theyre sayin it. so without further ado (adu? ahdoo? sp?)...here he is:

Hi kids, it's Cap'n Save 'em All here. I usually don't read the papers because --just like GW--that is how i harness my power. However, the other day I caught an interesting article. Virginia recently signed a law that issues a 50 buck fine for "sagging" your pants.

At first I laughed and laughed, but then I remembered plumbers. especially those plumbers who plumbed my pipes routinely at Super Hero HQ (oh, how i will always love my walden lake so.) And especially plumbers who had plumbers crack! And then i remembered plumbers who had plumbers crack coworkers! and their plumbers crack kids!! How many times can i use plumbers crack in a paragraph?! Plumbers crack. Ok...5.

Anyway... I'M OFFENDED! Ignorance of one's crevace unconsciousness does not excuse one from the law. This is a call to arms, (or...asses. however you wanna look at it.) Hey decent folks of america who fear god, hate arabs, jews, fags, french and who wear tight unsagging pantelonouses (thats Freench fer pants. fuck! i hate the french)...let's put this law behind us!! (Italics my emphasis.) Help Cap'n Save 'em All help you kill plumbers DEAD. Killing them is the only way to turn this country around.

oh yeah, just as he was on that window ledge, the capn exclaimed "bye cruel world...i'll be baaaaaaack!!" thanks capn.

today in florida. yaayyyyyyy.

2005-04-14T02:21:00.000-04:00

so the chevy pick-up was real simple except for the neon pink glow from under the carriage. 2 hot, punk rock boys with hipster-black hair were in it and blasting some, um.......hip-hop shit... and yelling out the window to me:
"YEAHHHHHHHHHHBOYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!" all N.W.A. like.

thats when i saw the detail on their rear window:
HI_TECH REDNECK

wow. thats amazing. thanks redneck, punk, "hipster-black is the new chuck d *ahem* black" automaton boys.

and then while googling i found this:
even more florida parents cant speak spanish

yes. living in florida is like... well... its like what the famous floridian and plantation owner, Effnie Bugickincootney, once said, "sometimes rain falls on the railroad tracks in the south." yep. he said it. am i still talking?

THE POLE

2005-04-09T12:48:00.000-04:00

*
i guess what i really want to know is how many jizm squirts came out of the pope. what is the cumulative number of squirts that were jettisoned in one entire pious lifetime?

was it 3? or 5? or 350138?

he was just a man, and we all know that men are on this planet to do one thing: put out jizm squirts. it may be on a nearby pillow, in a stray newspaper on the subway, or on any available face (or eye depending on the skill level of the marksman.) they are still squirts nonetheless.

and the lightning bolt question: if ever a papal pearly essence even so much as made a cameo drop, was it with a girl or a boy?

what if he never had sex with anyone ever in the history of his penis (yes, the pope had a penis)...then did he ever jack off? if he did, then what did he think about? some say he only thought of jesus...then does that mean that the pope jacked off to jesus? and if so, was it portrait jesus or crucifix jesus?

i would say see you all in hell, but thanks to your uncontrollable hatred and judgement for me....SO LONG SUCKERS! I'LL SEE YOU ALL FROM HEAVEN!!

2005-04-09T02:01:00.000-04:00

audrey landers came in today! shes a bit before our time (we are atleast 18 years of age, and yes, proof is on file.) so we lashed one of our pimpley-faced interns into research mode and he came back with these timeless performances by our sexy TV kitten --PRREOWWW!! (and no, not "TV" as in transvestite, PERVS!)

dallas, the love boat and fantasy island. and then theres the true actress success barometer for the early 80's...playboy january 1983 with sister judy--TOTAL SCORE!!

naturally, the only reason why coppertone knows about any of this at all is cuz audrey just happened to check out her groceries with the only gay, over 50, ex-dancer cashier in the joint. your welcome in advance for our sleuthing that got you the links to playboy, but we really didnt have any other choice. it was either that or crappy trailers of a chorus line.

damn that gawker genius

2005-04-01T03:05:00.001-05:00

so i am doing a big no no in the blogosphere: i am lifting verbatim. its not that i have nothing to contribute, or there isnt (and wont be) more on this, its just that gawker has perfectly put it so well.

CNN: A Longer Answer to a QuickVote

Yes. It’s shown us that death is not a private matter for family and friends, it’s a public spectacle for politically motivated partisan hacks, opportunistic cable news channels, hack late night comedians, and unfunny bloggers to pick over the desiccated body of a sad, sick woman who is unable to speak for herself yet has become the empty vessel into which the aspirations, fears, and soul-crushing lies of snakes, scoundrels, and fools are dumped like so much toxic sludge from the rotting core of this dying planet.

Does that answer your question? [gawker]

where's waldo?

2005-03-30T01:50:00.000-05:00

found an old point n click from SF days...

this guy spent a lot of time and vinyl lettering and meth making this sign. if you can find the following phrases, then maybe youve done more meth than him:
1--just fresh sex
2--no sex for the kids

3--no hope in dope
4--no reckless eyeballing

this just in...wearing a trench coat to hide that youre sitting on a fire hydrant is no way to discourage sex in san francisco, dude.

easter is here. run.

2005-03-27T02:51:00.000-05:00

the celebration of jesus coming down from heaven to live a perfect life and to then be violently killed by the people of his time and to then be dead for 3 days and then to rise up again on the third day to save us all has begun today. so i got to thinking...

Alive Jesus/Son of God: REJOICE!!! I HAVE DIED AND COME BACK FROM THE DEAD...

people everywhere: yayy!!

AJ/SofG: ...TO SAVE YOU ALL...

pe: yayyyyyy!!

AJ/SofG: ...FOR A MIDNIGHT SNACK!! BOOOWAHHHH AAHHH AAAHH!!

pe: ahhhhhhhhhh!!

God eats people with his nose. (thank you, burberry...you know who you are.)
The Book of Job Chapter 4, Verse 9 The King James Version (is there really any other version?)

iraqi princesses, enchanted stallions and [gasp!] cartooniality

2005-03-24T01:28:00.001-05:00

the stallions from the group Fraternal Brotherhood of the Enchanted Stallion are debating again. todays topic? hottest disney chick of course. but theyve gotten stuck between I-RAQ and a hard place. aaahhh gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah. [pay no attention to the last 2 sentences...my ~~boyfriend's~~ copy editor's morning martinis (sigh)... again--ED.] is it pocahontas or jasmine?
brother brad
speaks out:

"but she was MUSLIM in BAGDAD and she showed HOW much skin???

Animator: Uh, sir, we're gonna have some trouble showing that Jasmine is a chick all covered and veiled up like that.

Boss: Son, this is DISNEY! Slap a bikini top on her and see-through pants... blow 'em up to Ds and we've got a HEROINE!

Animator: Now that's what I call CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!"

for shame horsies, falling for disneys "reaching out to the persons of color" marketing schemes. theyre all hot, but we here at coppertone stand firmly, ahem, behind the little, albeit white, mermaid. oh hell we stand firmly behind anyone actually.

the continuing heated debate and more objectification of pen strokes after the jump. [myspace groups]

VIEWER MAIL!!!

2005-03-22T03:55:00.000-05:00

am i a fucker or a drunk? maybe both:

"Was your last blog post 3/9? So I go on there, and I’m all, 'I want to see the latest,' right and it’s all... March 9. Dude.
Blogs don’t replace friends fucker
AND
Friends don’t let friends replace blogs. Drunk."

that message was from my lovely friends in orlando, chablis and chronic. you know, orlando...home of white trash extraordinaires britney and justin. yeah. aint meds fun?
[note: chablis is to be pronounced with a ch sound like charley. and chronic is to be pronounced with a c sound like classy. but you potheads knew about the latter.]

COPPERTONE'S OSCARS (better late than never)

2005-03-09T01:30:00.000-05:00

so its march and im a little late, but here are the best films of 2004. now, before any of you purists (read virgos) write to whine and complain, look what our attorney who helped us out with all our traffic citations drafted up for us out of the kindness of her little stone lawyer heart.

The Disclaimer:

NO we havent seen everything that came out in 04. you really expect us to sit through that devil hijacking of our little baby jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes laying in the manger story, Passion of the Christ?!
YES we saw harold and kumar and napolean dynamite and the girl with the golden pearl necklace earring shower, or whatever it was called, and yes those were great films too, but this was supposed to be a top 10 list and we could only get it down to 17.
NO we're not good at trimming lists.
NO all these films didnt come out last year, we just saw them last year. now doesnt that sound more interesting?
YES it was a tough decision and
YES you are all winners!

[pics R clickable and most lead to trailers. thanks IMDB and film movement for doing what you do.]
17 its funny and its french!
16 we love cartoons.
15 after we saw this we realized that no man, before or after, has ever looked hotter on screen than marlon brando in this film.
14 there's nothing quite like your lovable neighborhood tranny police chief.
13 part 2 of HBO's critically acclaimed doco about town lynchings, teenage devil worshipers, and 3 murdered young boys. its rumored that there is to be a part 3 soon.
12 lets see, late '50's japanese movie about candy. designers everywhere suddenly need a cigarette.
11 high-stakes gambling and sexy blindfolded argentinians. is there really anything else?
10 do you wonder whether or not you are going to hell? well dont: you are.
9 ok. its 1972. ali macgraw, steve mcqueen and a very slutty sally struthers ("do you wanna make more money?!") v v HOT.
8 pop post-apocalypse at its best.
7 beautifully shot and totally overlooked.
6 shot mostly in Washington Heights. we laughed. we cried. we ate an entire half gallon of french vanilla ice cream. with gobs of real cookie dough on top that we purchased separately. and chocolate syrup. and then actual cookies crumbled on top of that. (well it was all organic. you would have done the same thing.)
5 why have a security blankie when you can have a security steel ball?
4 a morroccan film that...well...um--ok, how many morroccan films have you seen? no, casablanca doesnt count.
3 2000 Actors. 300 years of Russian History. 1 single continuous shot. a first ever in the history of film. it must be seen to be believed.
2 this is probably our favorite film of 04. yes, its korean with subtitles...oh just shut up and view the damn trailer. [quicktime 9MB]
1 good luck finding disc 2 if you live in the united states, but its worth the hunt. this is von trier's stab at a tv mini-series and it does not disappoint. yes, its the same one that stephen king got the rights to, but this is not king's sterilized, watered-down kingdom. the dvd (disc 1, episodes 1-4) we saw was from japan and bootlegged from the original dutch TV series. this is the creepiest show weve seen in a long time, and just when you think it cant get any weirder...it does.

im so parched

2005-02-18T23:14:00.000-05:00

sorry so late, y'all, but im on holiday with my sis, violet, in santa fe nm. long story short...diarrhea. just kidding. no really, long story short:

7000 ft elevation. surrounded by snow covered mountains. temp 36 and NO HUMIDITY!!
mommmeee, iiiiiiiiiiimm thirsty.

home of our fave ¡VIVA LA PENGATISTAS!/grand clydesdale/hunk of the year. home of the van heischenbergers, senor poopy pants, "rose bubby" (think interpol), and fartlos "the king of beers." home of the legendary little joy barmaids of echo parkaayyyyyy.

and last but not least...a triple shot of ex's. which i guess makes 3 x's which i guess means that its somewhat sexy in a porn way. (uh...no.)

hyuck. hyuck.

2005-02-17T20:07:00.000-05:00

you know youre a greenneck if... you get angry, and people dont like you when youre angry.
you know youre a greenneck if... you dress in rags that are always too small for you.
you know youre a greenneck if... your eyes turn all funny and people run.

you guys are great! i'll be back at the Waterside Motor Inn on lovely Chincoteague Island performing live april 11th through may 3rd in the Hospitality Room! GOODNITE!!

[we cant take all the credit for these gems... thanks noah z--ED.]

tomorrow i leave for santa fe...

2005-02-15T02:13:00.000-05:00

thanks, asian lady, for helping me pack.

na-na-na-na-nine-teen

2005-02-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

pulitzer prize winner, seymore hersh said that 31% of the [military] deaths in iraq are marines...our best."

at that rate, how are we supposed to kill syria and kill iran and still have time to hop over and kill north korea and kill iceland's wood nymphs who are so vying for superpower status and hiding their WMD's in bjork videos? and then of course theres madagascar and the republic of georgia and california and oregon and maine and vermont and the daily show and madonna and john lennon and joan of arc and the golden girls and the bare breast of janet...

i think i feel a draft.

(yes its bad, but its friday and what do you expect from someone who's rockin a red wine diet for 3 weeks straight. my skin is yellow and ive lost 167 pounds--I FEEL GREAT!)

esta dia es el dia de basura

2005-02-07T22:49:00.000-05:00

i knew it couldnt have tumbled far...see, i knew i seen what i said i saw. huh?

yeah bitch, you thought you could hide it in the garbage...bitch.

pubic ball of hair update

2005-02-07T14:31:00.000-05:00

so i just got to work late (as per usual), and my digicam wont work. damn! so i just went to the back and round the corner to the front of the mens employee bathroom and...IT'S GONE!!
no one EVER cleans the employee bathrooms! im not giving up though. that gnarly thing couldnt have gotten far...the little black bugger's around here somewhere...

searching... (its a caper!)
[thanks scott. your phonecam is a lifesaver.]

oh, i just remembered...

2005-02-07T03:19:00.000-05:00

well not really, its more like i bolted up in my bed in my usual pond of sweat, gasping and blinking, wearing my tsunami relief hand-woven wicker thong pajamas and matching Ceylon tea-leaf cape (fashion...so dramatic, i know.)

TODAY there was a tennis ball-sized wad of jet black pubic hair on the floor outside of the mens employee bathroom. it was almost a perfect fluffy ball...IOW, it was made by hand. i alerted many of my coworkers to its existence, but they just feigned laughter and became accusatory. PUL-EEEZE, people! as if my pubic hair is that dark.

im sure its still there since no one cleans the e-cans. i couldnt find anyone with a camphone on the country coast of florida (insert toothless cracker joke here or just exclaim "dang!"). but i dug out my digicam and am going to catch it hopefully in its natural habitat. or maybe i can get one of those nut butter bitches in prepared foods to help me with a tumbleweed action shot!

stay tuned! to be continued! developing! god, are you still there! its me margaret!...

shows every hour on the hour

2005-02-05T04:15:00.000-05:00

hey! so those guys in produce are sooooo great!!
(how great are they?)
theyre so great, they have hearts of palm.

thanks, y'all, and the 11 o'clock show is nothing like the 7 o'clock!

[Ed: and you thought grocery store humor was so, like, 1993.]

double-o-staaapgirrrl!!

2005-02-02T02:05:00.000-05:00

finally the reign of gayness is over. i mean what were the keepers of bond lore thinking? i remember when i first heard that pierce was to play the hunk of elusive spyflesh. i was appalled! i could see the first day on the set:

DIRECTOR: and action!

pierce: may you please stop? or i'll shoot p-please...

DIRECTOR: CUT! CUT! CUT!! [to 2nd director] who's the fag on the set? huh? he plays who? THAT'S the new bond?!

did they really think they could keep up this drag show? just look at that spray tan. and the moussed bangs. the perfectly waxed eyebrows. i bet sean connery is just aspinnin in his grave. wait, hes dead right?
Brosnan Confirms No More 007 [via Dark Horizons]

congrats, condi!!

2005-01-27T01:21:00.000-05:00

(by paul conrad)

im sick.

2005-01-22T15:36:00.000-05:00

uuuggghhhhrrrrr. its the kind of fever that makes you feel like youre in a dream. and youre burning up hot until you drink something and then youre freezing. i knew kicking heroin was going to be a lot tougher than they told me.

so violet texts me this awaiting her departing flight from LA

2005-01-21T09:26:00.000-05:00

"she had a soft, raspy voice, and was wearing stone-washed jeans, camel colored furry boots and furry hooded-jacket. the groggy me was not ready so early in the morning standing in line at Mcdonalds to see celebrity. nor did i believe that such would be here...at this eatery...ordering this...um, food? couldnt see what she ordered cuz it was already in the bag."

put the puzzle together of this fan's original painting of who was having a delicious breakfast at MCDONALDS LAX this morning! fast food and folk art...ITS FUN!

sleeping with the enemy

2005-01-19T13:01:00.000-05:00

as if fellow soldiers need "aphrodisiacs" to give a little "helping hands" to eachother. but with the DoD's (thats department of defense for all you nuns out there [no seriously, nuns are some of our most loyal readers--ED.]) new secret weapons, now even the enemy can get in on the act:

"The idea of fostering homosexuality among the enemy figured in a...request from a laboratory...for funding of non-lethal chemical weapon research. 'One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior,' said the document..."

distasteful? oh never mind. so its the best of both worlds is it? love and war, er well, more likely mercy fucks-n-sucks and then blow your head off. heaven really is on earth. oh you sexy pentagon, you! what will you think of next?

Pentagon spurned plan to initiate enemy homosexuality. (thanks, rick)

party of 5 (+2)

2005-01-16T23:55:00.000-05:00

coppertone sends out a sincere thanks to scenepointscott for "preservin' my party in pichurz." the itunes karaoke, the breakdancing, the smoking capris. now all the 18 yr old sarasota scenesters will wanna come over. but thats ok, cuz like, um...isnt bad press good press?
plus, i remember when i was 18...

dont worry scott, even though im over 30 you can still come look at my gun whenever you want.
ps- you forgot the part about spontaneous yard puking.

lets see...

2005-01-11T04:05:00.000-05:00

yep. looks the same to me.

"Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?" --Guy Womack
Guy Womack is a fucking jackass.

hes the defense attorney for US army soldier Charles Graner who is accused of leading the naked torture at abu ghraib. and that was part of his opening statement (and i guess defense strategy?) for charles at his court martial. if i was charles, i'd tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP by firing him. seriously, if he says much more that dude is gonna get the military electric chair, which i heard is made from a foreign metallic substance that they extracted from the ufo at roswell. YIKES! and of course he'll get the army's proverbial dishonorable discharge.

and BTW, where in the analogy does the "six to eight times a year" part fit in? does that mean that if some renegade cheerleaders (probably the gay male ones) decided to form a pyramid a ninth time, that they have crossed the line into torture? i think old womack just gave himself away as being dumber than a bag of hair.

read the rest yourself, i feel one of my heads coming on. [timesonline]

organic guitar juice

2005-01-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

i suppose i need to mention that joe perry from aerosmith has come in to whole foods sarasota twice this week, with beautiful wife and son in tow. he is actually v v goodlooking in person and quite stylee with dark layered look, wool cap and lots of hot jewelry. but family life doesnt go for booze and dope. these days it seems this rocker is overdosing on apple juice after purchasing about 20 or 30 of those single-serving, shaped-like-an-apple numbers.

"Hi, I'm Richard Gere and I'm speaking for the entire world...GET OUT AND VOTE."

2005-01-05T03:30:00.001-05:00

*click dick

oh, and also, one time i had a gerbil up my butt.

[ED: we know its childish but what else were we supposed to do? he said he was speaking for the entire world!]

what the hefer is a bull-og?

2005-01-04T16:44:00.000-05:00

if you still milk cows the "old fashioned" way (wink wink) then this article may be for you:
O FORTUNA MAGAZINE

there are some things white people will always be best at.

2005-01-01T23:57:00.000-05:00

skinheads, while hot, are soooooo 1985. but thanks to vice's hate issue, we see that just in time for 2005 they now come in so many new flavors and colors:

but as my friend buttfuckchuck always says, "black is beautiful, and tan may be grand, but white's still the color of the [hate] boss man." damn. colored folks cant even get being a skinhead right.
WHITE SKINHEADS AGAINST WHITE PEOPLE

hold yuh nose, dahling...

2004-12-24T02:15:00.000-05:00

today someone bought a piece of meat that cost $129.32. it was like filet mignon but stuffed with gold autographed by paris hilton or something. after i ate that, i would catch it coming out and take it to the pawn shop to GETS PAID! or ms hilton could auction it off for charity. the headline: "Paris Signs Shit Filets to Build New Ronald Mcdonald House for Dying Children." it would be worth it.

i have been swamped at the office!

2004-12-21T14:26:00.000-05:00

no really. i have been working since 2:15ish PMish this afternoon. i am exhausted, miss celie. they caught us with our caviar without a barcode, and then m'till was short a dollar. you can imagine me frosting my indifference. being fake is hard work! (cheap bush card) but i got some good shit brewing for you muvs, and to prove my love for you (for now) i give you this:

i - gotuh - WERK!

2004-12-21T06:44:00.000-05:00

first day at whole foods . i have to be there at aeyit?...ait?...eyeet? i dont know. supposed to be some fictitious early morning time i heard about on IN SEARCH OF with leonard nimoy.

home of britney

2004-12-20T10:42:00.000-05:00

yes im in orlando for the weekend. its been a shitty weekend complete with car crashes, drunken fights and of course possible incarcerations (im cancelling that.) but atleast i got laid! oh wait, no i didnt.

what are you wearing? what are your hands doing? etc.

2004-12-17T23:26:00.000-05:00

if its not explosions or tumors, then its telemarketers. they finally convinced lawmakers to let them call us on our cell phones. your defense? just sexually harass them, thats what i always do. its especially effective for those same sex situations, and besides, they called you.

or you can just get on the do not call list:

"Starting Jan 1, 2005, all cell phone #'s will be made public to telemarketing firms. According to the National Do Not Call List, you can sign up to have your # removed from these lists. It takes 3 months for this to be effective and once effective it lasts for 5 years."

Call 1-888-382-1222 or go to the website: http://www.donotcall.gov

the future never looked so chinese

2004-12-15T04:00:00.000-05:00

thats right bitches, tonight im going over to platinum's house to watch a beautiful (im sure) bootleg copy of 2046 by wong kar wai. and it doesnt even have an american release date yet.
oh yeah... i can feel the green coming through my screen.

UPDATE: Damn those dvd players that are not regional free. IOW, i didnt get to watch it. yeah i knew i shouldnta bragged.

hot cockles, indeed.

2004-12-14T04:10:00.000-05:00

ok. this is like, um, so hot. its a christmas game ok, that you can play at parties. here's what you do:

gather a few people around and form a circle. get a sucker to volunteer. they get in the middle of the circle and get down on their knees. then you blindfold them and they start calling out "hot cockles! hot cockles! hot!" and then the people at the party take turns "striking" them. and all the person on their knees has to do is...get this...guess whos giving the blows.

ah haha hahaha.
thats so easy.
its the guy on his knees givin the blows! what are they stupid? this is the easiest game i ever heard.
"hot cockles! hot cockles! hot!"

giuliani, could you PLEASE for once get your mouth off whatever repub powercock you think is going to save your ass?

2004-12-13T21:44:00.000-05:00

"i just wanted to go to christmas dinner so i could apologize to you, mr president, and then maybe you will like me again so that i still have a political career and i can still get paid for controlling uh, well...nouns. and didnt i do such a good job in 9-11? you did say i was a hero, right? im still a hero arent i? i do so much want a high level cabinet position under you and-- what? you want me to do that again? ok, but im not doing rove too cuz his hog's too fat."

"wahhhhhhh," said the giuliani.

i am so offended.

2004-12-12T23:59:00.000-05:00

i cannot believe that i would stumble across this,

on this, the last minute of the lord's day.
i really am offended. no, this time i mean it. I AM! im offended. no its not like the time we called riley lettuce ice cream, oh no, this time there is offense all around.
[click the bikini via jest]

thank yew, saint petersburg...GOODNIGHT!

2004-12-12T13:07:00.001-05:00

went to st pete for an art opening that was to be from 6-11pm. we got there at 10pm. no one was there. dead. no music. no free wine for our monkey. just a couple of people cleaning up and not even ackowledging our presence. so we went downstairs to the photo booth, snapped this, and then went back up and hung it in a precarious place. wrote an artists statement and then left. the statement read: "eat a dickup til you hiccup."

kraft + kwanzaa + dessert = ???

2004-12-09T21:41:00.000-05:00

Kraft loves bringing people together for "unique celebrations." and stereotypes aside, black people love to be brought together for delicious holiday feasts of:

BBQ Chicken Wings
Oven-Fried Catfish
Spicy Cornbread
Butter Beans
and Collard Greens.

but leave it to Kraft to fuck up the dessert by putting the icing on the cake:
Kraft's Kwanzaa caKe = 3 too many "K's".

get them BOTH a card, g-damnit.

2004-12-07T21:04:00.000-05:00

Q: "caynt we all jus getalong?"
A: "gay kakken af en yam."

"come on people, now, smile on yer bruther--"
what the fuck am i singing?

happy light-the-7-flaming-pasties week?

2004-12-06T19:20:00.000-05:00

oh you laughable loveable jews. well it is the holiday season:

Hannukah hotties
and
kosher cuties!

an important announcement from your favorite blogger

2004-12-06T13:02:00.000-05:00

i am very happy and excited to announce that your beloved coppertone no longer works (as if) at dicks hole foods, but now works (as if) at ass hole foods. thus finally answering tyler durden's timeless question: "...do I give you the ass or the crotch?" well, its the ass. hope your happy. (you: well im not happy, but im happy. me: well im happy, but im not happy.)

its gonna be quite a change though. more bulk to snack on-- this figure doesnt grow on trees ya know. a sudden influx of startlingly good looking and acutely interesting persons obviously not from sarasota (read: more chances to fuck people under 65.) and of course a broader customer base to spit my filthy daily observations upon. oh yeah, and theyre paying me a whole dollar extra. with these prices, my condominium (cardboard refrigerator box) is almost within reach.

YAYYYYYYY! JON STEWART WON BOOK OF THE YEAR!!

2004-12-06T01:58:00.000-05:00

now, he knows we cant read. and im pretty sure he cant write. thats why he does it with the pictures. oh you know...like in the square?...in that little box thingum?...with the button pusher?...the one thats in the living room?

crickets sound

damn that sucked. ok...this one:

YAYYYYYYY! JON STEWART WON A BOOK OF THE YEAR!!

i dont know what hes gonna do with it...we all know he cant read. shit, i cant read. i wonder what book of this year he won? maybe its Picture Book 2004 or Pop-up Book 2004 or even Scratch and Sniff 2004.
YAYYYYYY! STINKY FINGERS 2004!

television book or won a book. you decide.

[ED's NOTE: look at all em i-talics. i was testin me new html code-of-the-week.]

UPDATE!!

2004-12-05T18:33:00.000-05:00

the goddamn stapler is now at

$4,101.00????

and theres still 17 hours 25 minutes????

i would comment but im flabbergasted. (yeah, i used the word flabbergasted. (yeah, i just used it again.))

happy HO-lidays from the genital warts fairy (i.e., paris hilton)

2004-12-02T01:44:00.000-05:00

what a bitch this little lass! shes gonna make a killing from little frozen off paris warts by selling them on ebay! i mean jesus, paris signs a goddamn stapler and its suddenly worth $1305 (with still 5 days left to bid on it). maybe she can extract paris' actually dna from one of the warts and sell it to some romanian porn company. yeah, and she can create a whole harem of international, underground, cloned paris sex slaves! ya know...why buy the milk when you can own the cow? and fuck you cia! i know youre listening, and i thought of it first! didnt i? damn. they already cornered that market.

the goose is getting fat.

2004-11-30T13:09:00.000-05:00

while i dont celebrate the pagan holiday of christmas, i wont deter anyone who wishes to get me the following (im serious people, give something to the lil guy):
flowers for bulgernon™

laser vaginal rejuvenation

2004-11-30T12:26:00.000-05:00

wow. i had no idea that today was going to be "El Dia De Las Genitalia." but in this weeks sarasota weekly planet there was a curious advert. yes its one of those crappy rags that tells you what is going on in your area-- which works in most cities, but not in sarasota where there isnt anything going on. wait. im being unfair. gallagher is "performing" at the ruth eckerd hall, notes the theatre section. and then theres Charliepalooza featuring a trailer park full of country and western bands. somewhere between these fine quality events is this:

"DESIGNER LASER VAGINOPLASTY™ (DLV™) is the aesthetic surgical enhancement of the vulvar structures, labia minora, labia majora, mons pubis, perineum, introitus and hymen, (see figure)*. Labial reduction is the most common procedure and is defined as sculpting the elongated or unequal labial minora according to the patients specifications."

fffththpwth!
ffthththphthwwwthwa!
fththp!
fffpthtthh! OMG! i almost threw up.

*ALERT: photos are for non-cubicle dwellers and the cast of jackass, ONLY.

4 days?

2004-11-28T01:51:00.000-05:00

has it been 4 days?! what the hell, i just woke up! i have never (and i really mean never) had a 4 day hang over. something else mustve happened. maybe i was finally abducted by the chupacabra ufo and reprogrammed to not remember any of it. ya know, like "lost time." hmmm. lets see. whats the last thing i remember? wait. flashing lights. uh...swirling room. loud outdated industrial sounding music...alien-looking rip taylor in... (its coming back to me)...a bright red pair of panties and... a lacey red top with ...(almost there)... a huge...uh... BONER!!? THAT WAS NO UFO! THAT WAS THE DAMN FASHION SHOW AT THE CASTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
damn.
and i thought i was one of those extraordinary, extraterrestrial-picked human being type thing peoples. like the ones that stand out for their appearance, originality and dance moves. why couldnt denny terrio have been driving that ufo?

happy birthday mr president.

2004-11-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

well the 41st anniversary of JFK's assassination came and went without any mention. oh well. i guess theyre waiting for the 50th to make a big stink, which of course will be the 13th anniversary of sept 11th. i was going to do a bit on the 22nd (the actual day), but i was saving my energy for the 24th. which is actually my birthday.
tonight we are going to the castle in tampa to go to some art event fashion show. it would be so hot if vinsantos showed up to do an homage to the ghost of marilyn monroe singing a creepy, whispery b-day song to me in some transylvannian, fan-blown getup. ahhhh, tampa florida-- the goth capitol of the world.

anyway. there are a lot of my co-secret agent men out there who also have a bday on this very night. so rock n roll bitches...you know who you are. in san francisco, new york, los angeles, and the 5-0-5!!

ahhhh...give the gift that keeps on manufacturing semen.

2004-11-22T00:50:00.000-05:00

and now...
another dramatic reading from...
Ballsies Poetry:

Ballsies are fun
No if's, and's, or but's
Now, come to think of it
Ballsies are nuts!

i hate to use curse words

2004-11-21T11:44:00.000-05:00

but theyre not really my words anyway. so here goes:

http://fuckyoubush.com

there. i feel better already. i never knew getting over using the B-word would be so easy.

im looking over a 4 leaf clover that i overlooked B4!!

2004-11-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

hotbed? no.
intrigue? no.
geriatric medicine? YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!

"Another example of terrorist activity being treated with kid gloves also comes from the Venice-Sarasota area, apparently a hotbed of both international intrigue and geriatric medicine."

antifungus weekend

2004-11-19T21:06:00.000-05:00

so the weekend is upon us and i thought i might try to get rid of my very persistent athletes foot. i got some grapeseed oil, thyme oil, oregano oil, and tea tree oil and i mixed it all up together and put it in a spray bottle and lightly applied it to the affected areas* and-- huh? boring?! whaddah you mean this is boring? sorry, this is the most excitement sarasota has to offer on a friday night.

okaaaayyyyy. try this then:

look out weekend cuz here i come...because weekends were made for fun.

* --just so you know...jock itch and athletes foot are exactly the same thing. how does one get jock itch, you ask? by putting on your thong one foot at a time.

smells like american spirit

2004-11-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

"The video you are about to watch is a rap video designed to inspire people to take up jihad against the West. Posted on a radical Islamic website based out of the United Kingdom, the video is undeniably entertaining, as professionally produced as any video you might see on MTV."
--Investigative Project (IP) News Service

ya know, i dont think so. if islamic extremists wanted to "inspire" eachother, they wouldnt perform the lyrics in english, use reggae style or commandeer rap music that is considered yet another evil creation of american culture.

PROPAGANDIST CHECKLIST:
americans dont know anything about islam. (exploit fear of unknown--check.)
but we love rap. (easily consumed message--check.)
oh, and also we're skerd of terrorism. (remind of 9/11 and upcoming attacks--check.)
rap comes from blacks. (tap into america's racism--check.)
reggae accents are funny but hard to understand. (co-opting of vernacular by foreigners = unsafe "homeland"--check.)

"hey now them taleeban is usin our music against us!! KILL EM!"

seems like the advertising dept struck black gold with this campaign. oh, and apparently "kuffar" is the derogatory Arabic term for non-believers. (reverse racist term similar to "nigger"--check.)

“Dirty Kuffar” video (windows media or realplayer)

Jihadi Rap uh...yeah...jihadizzi, fo shizzi, my nizzi?

hey did you guys know this?

2004-11-15T10:41:00.000-05:00

"Visa and MasterCard are nonprofit associations made up of thousands of banks."

non profit?! how is that possible? well i would verify this myself but my OCD has kicked in overdrive and im currently stuck in a www dot porn maze until my inevitable ejaculation. so could someone do the research and get back to me. thanks paprika, youre a dove!

and by the way...

2004-11-15T10:40:00.000-05:00

why am i up this early?

O.D.B. where U B?

2004-11-14T13:14:00.000-05:00

well he died. thats sad. wu tang will never be the same:

O.D.B.

whoops! ok try this one:

O.D.B.
those crazy interns!! enough with this tomfoolery...this is hip hop legend and wu tang founder O.D.B. we're talkin about here!

ok, for sure, i promise this one works:

O.D.B.

R.I.P. O.D.B.-- and dont worry, intern heads are gonna roll.

S.S.L.

2004-11-13T01:24:00.003-05:00

(sorry so long)
i took off a writer's week (like a baker's dozen) to guzzle from whatever bottle i could find and to sex up as many willing bodies as possible. well ok, it was just my own body, but if you cant love yourself, i ask, then who can you love? and if you cant be with the one you love, well then love the one youre with, which in my case was mostly me. (yes i can hear your cries, "alright already! enough with the masturbation talk and get on with it!!")

so we have george for 4 more years. "FORE!" as in sunday afternoon golf drives. as in WASPicious country clubs after church. as in the exclusion of the working class. as in the self-preservation of the wealthy and powerful. as in america's obsession with the lifestyles of the rich and famous. as in america's rationalization of its obsession by seeing it as God-like. as in the seeds of fascism carefully wrapped up in the beautiful, red apple of morality.

america cannot resist taking a bite of that apple because after all, you are what you eat right? garbage in, garbage out. isnt that what dr dobson would say? so let us all gather round the tree of piety. in this dark and dangerous world, void of all goodness except that which we so sacrificially shine onto those "lost ones" around us; in this defiled and duplicitous civilization of ours, we can only consume that apple. we were chosen and we have no choice. without the juicy bites of morality slowly sinking in to our every cell, purifying that which is truly evil inside us, we would surely starve from our combined iniquities. for without morals we are death. and the fruits of morality are life so that we may be spiritually healthy and shine light on to all of our sinful brothers and sisters who voted for kerry. or nader. or eminem. or michael jackson. dont these people see that we are at war with satan, and he only seeks to destroy the good...to destroy us? and the dark lord will use whatever means he can to destroy us. whatever things may be attractive, beautiful, delicious, irresistable...to destroy those that dare stand up against the world's evil and take the first bite--who wish to be saved by its purifying sweetness.

*CRUNCH*
"damn i never thought that becoming moral would taste so good. mmmm. the red color and tasty juice. this shit tastes reeel goood." *CRUNCH* "mmmm. that was so good i think i want to eat anothern...damn apples are addicting! but shit, i mean shucks, im a moral person! i never knew that gettin right with God would be so easy! Preacherman always told me it would be hard to do, but hell i can just sit right here by this tree and eat these shiny, red Apples all the live-long day. *CRUNCH* i think that all those immoral people just dont want to love Jesus. *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH* no, they know these Apples taste good and they just choose not to eat them cuz they must be filled with the devil. yeah, thats it, they must be possessed by satans helpers. otherwise why wouldnt they sit here under this tree all day like the rest of us God-fearing people, and fill themselves up with Morality and try to actually make the world a Better place? i can see it in their eyes that they hate us Apple-eaters. us Fruit-lovers. us Nature-respecters. i think they think were the enemy. i always knew it would come to this: Apple-lovers vs Jesus-haters. or maybe the Jesus-haters just want all these Apples for themselves. yeah theyre gonna eat em all so we cant eat the Apples anymore and then all of our Morals will deteriorate and well be just like *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH* ...JUST LIKE THEM!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! KILL THE JESUS-HATERS BEFORE THEY TRY TO TAKE AWAY ALL OUR APPLES!!!!!"

somewhere in the distance a snake slithers.
[curtain goes down. end of act 2]

i never thought i would hear...

2004-11-12T21:37:00.000-05:00

an attorney general say these words:

"Courts are not equipped to execute the law.
They are not accountable to the people."
--John Ashcroft

well, well, well. so the mother of attorneys admits his job is a scam, but that the people are powerless to stop him. patriot act 2, the sequel...anyone...beuhler?

i am so glad that someone has finally cleared up...

2004-11-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

what a liberal is. the word liberal has been thrown around so much that i forgot how to use it in a sentence. but thanks to TRAVIS' comment on joi ito, i now know that using "liberal" in a sentence is a piece of cake:

"In days of old, you never heard of a Liberal community. Why? Because as soon as the Saracens, Tatars or Visgoths rolled through their little Liberal village and finished hacking up all the children, raping the women and enslaving the men, the village vanished."

thanks trav! now i just have to work on my usage of "visgoths." that'll sure make the ladies swoon. ...or the menz.
joi ito (8th item down)

new bumper sticker

2004-11-03T13:31:00.000-05:00

the repubs were right. he cant even decide to stay in the race before the votes are actually finished being collected and counted. what a little bitch. i hope his career is over.
KERRY=PUSSY '04!

the book of revelation by the republicrats.

2004-11-03T01:25:00.000-05:00

i think its a skull and bones runoff. you know, the ole good cop/bad cop thing. and to think that they just collaborated so they could keep all that campaign money for themselves (over 678 million). oh yeah, and so they could buy more illuminati-brand dark cloaks, virgin pee and ritual homosexual sex toys for when they call up the spirit of the antichristian goddess on the pale horseback for the armaggeddon prophecies.

huh? i blacked out for a second...what happened?!
i hope i didnt pull my pants down again. i hate when i do that.

okaaayyyyy. where was i?
oh yeah...back to tallying the votes!

in district 12...
kerry got 537; bush got 687.
betty castor got 582; martinez 619.
jan schneider 548; our beloved katherine harris 641.

yayyy we won!! we won!!! WEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
wait a minute.

and now for viewer mail

2004-11-02T13:48:00.000-05:00

"fuck off, Florida cyber-nerd.

Your state sucks"

[ed: dont we know it.]
from craigslist san francisco

alright heres the schedule people

2004-11-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

violet and i are going to vote now. then we eat breakfast, probably pancakes with blueberries and an omelette with tomatoes and spinach and cheese and coffee. that way i wont be tempted to eat any voters. after that we go toe-to-toe with all the pinche lawyers from 3pm to 7pm. hopefully we wont stay later than 7, but there is a possibility that we might be detained by some skirmish. so vote america, and remember WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB.

this just in from philly

2004-11-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

Before voting even began in Philadelphia -- poll watchers found nearly 2000 votes already planted on machines scattered throughout the city...

CRAIGSLIST

tomorrow is the day

2004-11-01T03:05:00.000-05:00

just so you guys know, i am serious about the watching of the polls. and it seems that the rules are very important. (taken straight from the poll watcher's packet) poll watchers may not:

--touch voter
--yell obscenities at voter
--kill voter
--eat voter

well that seems pretty straight forward, but i sure am gonna get hungry at about the 3rd hour. and what if a voter-mom comes in with some baby?...mmmm...baked baby.

why o why does alcohol have to force its

2004-11-01T01:54:00.000-05:00

way down my throat whenever im wearing a costume? by the third day all my various getups melted into one another. this afternoon i barely lifted my head from the pillow to peel foreign objects off me (bar napkins, doritos, cat hair and cheez wiz) to find out i was sleeping in a nurses cap, chewbacca gloves, a sash, ballerina shoes, and wicker thong from thailand. i did whoknowshowever manage to cut and paste this letter from carlos (in brooklyn) from his friend *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP* deep in the heart of texass:

VOTING...

Yesterday a friend voted early at a polling location in Austin.
She voted straight Democratic. When she did the final check, lo and behold every vote was for the Democratic candidates except that it showed she had voted for Bush/Cheney for president/vice pres. She immediately got a poll official. On her vote, it was corrected. She called the Travis County Democratic headquarters.
They took all her information, and told her that she wasn't the first to report a similar incident and that they are looking into it. So check before you leave the polling booth, and if anything is wrong, get it corrected immediately. Report any irregularities to your local Democratic headquarters.

Make sure you pass this along to your friends ... hopefully this is all over the airwaves by tomorrow ...

The Texas voting fraud is for real.
I called the Austin office (Dem. Nat. Comm.) 512-637-1737 and they said that it has been happening a lot. They don't know why but the machines seem more "sensitive" this year and that every voter MUST check their summary as the presidential choice often rolls over to the republican choice if you vote straight democrat.

Before you call the Dem Nat Comm also try calling these guys:
866-OURVOTE , there are laywers sitting on the other side, they are partisan and will deff mobilize local people to look into ANY irregularities, this also means anything strange or suspicious you may see at the polls. Remember, they did it to us last time, they may do it again.

john hinckley released

2004-10-30T03:45:00.000-04:00

i was surfing around on the "men-ernets" today and came across something even more curious. who knew that ole hinckles would get out just in time for all hallows eve? and georgie jr is trying to make the peace just in case jodie still isnt impressed enough. trying to make sense out of all this...um...what do they call it?...uh...history? yeah...so confusing. YAYYYY, ITS HALLOWEEN!! just read it and tell me what it means, and i'll keep blending the rum runners until it all becomes clear. are we out of umbrellas already??!
[EDS: oh fuck you. i know its not a real post, but im already hungover and ive a lot more trickin and drinkin to do in the next 48 hrs.]

[POSTED ON LINKSWARM OCT. 5]
You may know they've released John Hinckley from the
mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parents home on weekends.
For those of you who may be too young to remember, John
Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster.

This is such a nice letter from the President:

THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D.C.

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent
progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents.

The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing
fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your
president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing
Jody Foster?

Sincerely,
George W. Bush

roadside prostitution: OUT-->exercising political expression: IN

2004-10-27T21:28:00.010-04:00

"alright miss harris, lets take it again from the top. you are imagining that you are a prostitute on the side of the road and youre reeeeel hungry, horny and sexy. that's precisely when our boy will swerve to 'pick you up.' its at this point that you realize hes not one of your normal johns, oh no, he is trying to run you down! and, miss harris, you have to make it convincing, you cant run away from him everytime he gets too close--that's the point. your supposed to act like you are afraid for your life, and you cant even move out of the path of the careening cadillac because you are PARALYZED BY FEAR! if you keep jumping over onto the grass everytime he gets close, no one is going to believe that this madman/democrat is trying to kill you! and dont worry, this guy is good. hes been hand picked by Rovey, and hes passed all the prescreenings, postscreenings, civil service tests, driving tests and credit checks. and by the way he HASNT been paid yet, so if he fucks this up and actually hits you, he's gonna not only NOT get paid, but he'll make some reeeel nice swamp food! so theres NOTHING to be afraid of! ok? you got it now? good. now lets try it again. roll it boys...and...go caddy..."
--director for republican PR stunt #532

i dressed up like ghandi one halloween

2004-10-19T02:00:00.002-04:00

so if you dont know what you are then how will you know how to vote? i turned out to be much closer to ghandi than kerry--and he was almost a socialist!! cue audience participation and feedback:
POLITICS TEST

napping at the firehouse

2004-10-15T21:39:00.000-04:00

what a fucking waste of time. that fucking poll watching class was a joke. i left straight from work and we hadnt eaten and on top of that there actually was a lesbian coach type woMAN thing there and she was the mc. [FASHION FLASH: she was wearing baggy jeans, sweatshirt and a royal blue beret--oh you girlmans and your fashion.]

my sister violet decided to come too, and learn more about the magic of democracy. it was at the local firehouse and we sat way in the back so as to not be seen dozing off or sneaking out. surprise! we were the 2 youngest people there. the next nearest age to us was like 30 years older...then they all blended together in an ocean of light blue cottonballs.

i was so surprised at my fellow democrats--everyone was so pissed. it was people yelling and they were all just interested in getting their questions answered before everyone elses and no one was listening to anyone and people were like repeating the same questions and a really short woman kept jumping up and down and raising her hand and not getting called on and people were talking over eachother and the only black person there screamed out, "WHAT DOES A NIGGA GOTTA DO TO GET A QUESTION ANSWERED?!" and then silence...for oh...about...um...7 seconds...and then more screaming and it all culminated in some elderly man up front bursting out both tearfully and cardiac arrestically, "WE'RE TRYING TO LEARN!!"

i dont wonder why the democratic party really sucks.

then the mc ladyhunk introduced some lawyer from the ACLU, and i thought, alright now were getting somewhere. and then off in the corner was a really tall white haired man in a lemon yellow palm beach sport coat who barely uncoiled to his feet and started the pilgimage to the podium. jesus fucking christ. 30 minutes later he adjusted the mic and said in a raspy high pitched voice apocalytpically, "whatever you do, you cant talk to the voter--you can only talk to the supervisor of elections. oh, and also people can only vote in their own districts. thank you."
and with that he began his return pilgrimage back to his seat.

then 5 dozen hands went up for more questions. so an hour and half later from when all this began i see no end in sight. i shake violet awake and tell her we are out of here except...no back door. damn the luck. so we slink to the front and mention something about diarrhea just to narrowly escape the scorn of our selfless, golden-hearted co-volunteers.

to recap: volunteer=angry. lesbians look great in royal blue. diarrhea can be a great getaway prop.

if only there had been a naked nicole kidman. i'd of even settled for just a clothed fireman. atleast some cookies and kool-aid, fuck.

its just peanut butter

2004-10-15T13:12:00.000-04:00

so sparkles and i are standing in the vitamins aisle, and a 10,809 yr old man comes up:

OLD MAN: (yelling) wheres all the peanuts?

SPARKLES: you mean for the machine?

OM: of course i mean for the machine! whadya think i meant?

SPARKLES: the machines out of order, we have to get a new blade for it. (shes answering this question for the billionth time, and actually, the blade has already been ordered at this point.)

OM: (more angry) SO WHY DONT YOU JUST ORDER IT?!!

ME: yeah sparkles, why dont you just order it? ya know? i mean use your brain, thats what its there for. i mean if you have a machine and it needs a blade, you dont just let it sit there with an 'out of order' sign on it. just order it! YOU KNOW how important peanut butter is for our survival, dont you? then why wouldnt you just order the damn blade? do you want us to die?

(sparkles laughs, mans eyes glaze over and he shuffles away.)

back to school

2004-10-15T08:56:00.000-04:00

OMG! i just had the worst dream last night. i dreampt i was blogging you guys after my poll watching class which is tonight--i havent even gone to it yet. but heres what i wrote in my dream blog:

"so tonight at poll watching school, they made us watch one of those film strip things. you know, the kind with the record that plays in sync that has tinkerbell chimes when the teacher is supposed to turn to the next frame. the film looked all 70's reddish and the record crackled and popped and the man's voice was like part duck and part science teacher with perfect english. the filmstrip was titled 'Their Decision Is Up To You.' it showed a scene where there was an infiltrator of the republican party with an evil agenda to trick weaker voters into voting for the wrong candidate:

the watcher enters (think chipper nicole kidman in To Die For) and leads the voter (granny yoda) to the touchscreen and shows her how to plug in the cartridge, and then presses the first candidate on the first part of the ballot which, in this case, is katherine harris.

NICOLE: and this is how you vote. (nicole presses katherine harris button)

VOTER/BLUE-HAIRED GRANNY YODA: but i dont want to vvfvhvrv-ote that way! (with a shrill, decrepit timbre that skips the needle a little)

NICOLE: (prozacish and bullying) but that's the correct way to vote! (smiles with audible *ting*, and the teacher turns the frame prematurely and an old woman in the front row barks "you arent supposed to turn it yet." )

VOTER/YODA: (gripping cane and roaring what surely atleast the director has to know is way too fucking loud) GET THAT OFF THERE!!! GET IT OFF!! I DONT WANT KATHERINE HARRIS ON THERE!! YOU BETTER TAKE IT OFF!!

NICOLE: (scolding yoda) alright then, 'take it off', i shall!! gather round everybody, were gonna let granny vote the way she wants!!

(nicole starts unbuttoning her dress and stripping it off and granny is very, very confused.)

NICOLE: yeah! granny wants me to take--it--OFF!

("nasty girl" by vanity 6 starts blaring out of nowhere. nicole's almost naked gyrating around)

NICOLE: uhhhhhh. yeah!

(suddenly nicole kidman shrinks down into tom cruise.)

TOM: yeah granny, show me what you got.

(a naked tom grinds all over granny. needle jerks across the record and the music stops.)

FILM NARRATOR: now that's NOT how you are supposed to watch a poll!

ME: (out loud in class) HAHHH HAH! he said "watch a poll"...what a fag.

then i woke up late for work.
somehow i knew tom cruise was gonna figure out a way to fuck up the election again.

we love that bush

2004-10-14T01:57:00.000-04:00

"[gobbledy blobbedy bloop] ...armies of compassion... [blah blahbeddy blaple]"
--W (at 3rd prez debate)

um, what the fuck is an "army of compassion?"

i dont know, dubbles, and i hate to sound grammerly, but isnt that oxymoronic?

poll watcher (ahem)

2004-10-05T15:13:00.000-04:00

so i filled out my form and im officially a 2004 presidential election poll watcher. no its not what you think, but there are "dirty tricks" that various parties can use at the actual polling locations. they involve confusing or giving the voter the wrong information, turning the voter away, or actually voting for the voter and not telling them. that one is pretty blatant, but in a place where the average age is 3928, you can imagine how some votes could be stolen.

so thats where i come in. im supposed to watch for such antics. i found out i actually have to go to poll watcher school which is on oct 15th. its for a whole hour! ughhh! i hope theres no reading. or writing. or tests. or pop quizzes. or tests. (i think i said that already). or any other such things i hear they have in these school things. like lesbian coaches. or principles who like to paddle. or teachers with visual aids. or the worst...parents! if it gets too stressful i'll just go smoke in the boys room...(yayyyy motley crue!) i think i should bring some mickey's 40's just in case i get too bored in there.